(UN)SIMPLIFIED NATURALISATION

Being in an international marriage comes with its fair share of complications, and no, I’m not talking about clashing cultures or language barriers - after all, plenty of couples share a nationality and still can’t agree on the correct way to load a dishwasher.

No, I’m talking about the practical implications of navigating two different passports.

On paper, both my wife and I are the proud holders of travel documents that regularly appear near the top of global passport power rankings. They grant us entry to more countries than we’ll ever be likely to visit, with merely subtle differences. For example, should we ever plan a spontaneous trip to Tuvalu, my wife will have to apply for a visa upon entry, while I can travel visa-free. Good to know…

Yet, despite these powerful little booklets, reality occasionally likes to remind us that crossing borders together isn’t always smooth sailing. Take automated gates at European airports - while my Swiss passport lets me glide through like a ninja, my wife often gets stucks in the slow-moving “humans-checking-humans” queue. Being the gentleman I am, I naturally share the pain with her and join her. After all, “shared pain is half the pain, right”?

Last time we travelled to Switzerland together, we ended up queuing for a (painful) 90 minutes!

Now, hypothetically, she could solve this little inconvenience by acquiring Swiss citizenship. The Swiss government even offers a “simplified naturalisation” process for spouses of Swiss citizens living abroad, and over the past few years, more than 500 spouses apparently took them up on their offer.

Not that my wife has ever expressed a desire to do so, but just in case she might change her mind one day, I thought I’d check what the requirements are. After all, “simplified naturalisation” sounds easy, right?

Wrong.

The first basic requirement is to be married to, and living with, a Swiss citizen for six years - simple enough when you’ve been together since 1994.

The second basic requirement is that the spouse should show close ties with Switzerland. This sounds innocent until you realise it means fulfilling nine separate conditions, each of which must be met.

First comes the visits to Switzerland: She needs three separate five-day trips to Switzerland in the past six years, with receipts proving her stays. In addition, the stays must be confirmed by people domiciled in Switzerland, so incognito trips don’t qualify.

Unfortunately, thanks to a minor inconvenience called “a global pandemic” and Japan being 14 flight hours away, her tally stands at just one single visit. Oops. Let’s also not forget the current weakness of the Japanese currency, meaning that overseas trips now cost us an arm and a leg - and then some!

Then there’s basic communication skills in one of Switzerland’s four national languages. The good news: the definition of “basic fluency” remains delightfully vague. The bad news: after 30 years in Japan speaking Japanese and English, brushing up on German hasn’t exactly been a priority.

Next on the list: basic knowledge of Switzerland. “Applicants are required to have basic knowledge of Switzerland’s geography, history, politics, and society.”

Well, it’s in Europe, has a long history, a diverse society and is (usually) politically correct. Tick!

Let’s not forget contact with Swiss nationals: “applicants must show that they maintain regular contact with Swiss citizens. The candidate muste also provide three references domiciled in Switzerland who can corroborate the ongoing relationships with Swiss nationals and other ties with Switzerland.”

Do her occasional WhatsApp message exchanges with my brother count? And who could corroborate that? I’m already struggling to name three Swiss people who would willingly answer their phones for me, let alone write a formal endorsement vouching for my wife’s ties.

Then there is the respect for public order. “Application rules require that an applicant respect public security and order. It is also essential that the applicant comply with public and private law and not have, for example, any unpaid taxes, rent, alimony, or fines.”

This basically translates to “don’t be a criminal, pay your bills, and don’t secretly run an underground resistance against Swiss democracy.” Luckily, my wife isn’t part of the Yakuza (to my knowledge), so that one’s covered. But perhaps I should check whether I have paid my tax bill and have no outstanding speeding tickets, just to be on the safe side.

It gets worse. In accordance with respect for constitutional values, “applicants have to answer several questions designed to test their respect for the values of Switzerland’s constitution.”

It may be a good idea for her to start memorising the 197 Articles of the Federal Constitution, in order to be prepared. At the end of the journey, she can then pick up her law degree along with her Swiss passport and start a new career. Nothing if not practical!

A candidate must also show proof of financial stability and independence.

Needless to say, when we talk about Switzerland, money has to be mentioned somewhere. But since I’m the breadwinner of the household and believe I have our finances pretty much under control, this is at least one condition that should be easy to meet.

Next: family’s knowledge of Switzerland. “The applicant must foster his or her family’s knowledge of Switzerland. This can be accomplished, for example, by encouraging children to learn one of the Swiss languages or to participate in Swiss cultural and social events.”

Without any offspring, I guess the first suggestion is a no go. But perhaps I should encourage my wife to hang out with members of the Swiss Club Tokyo?

And (finally!) last, but by no means least - No threat to Switzerland’s security. “A candidate must not pose a threat to Switzerland’s internal or external security. Any applicant involved in terrorism, violent extremism, organised crime, or spying, for example, will be rejected.”

At this point, the absurdity of this process has fully set in. Because, really, if my wife were secretely leading an international spy ring, would she actually declare it on a government form?

Conclusion? While she technically qualifies for Swiss citizenship, I don’t think I’ll be nudging her toward it anytime soon. The paperwork alone rivals an Olympic marathon, and frankly, I’d rather spend my time planning that mythical Tuvalu trip.