SUMIMASEN-SATIONAL!

Last week, I talked about the British "apology reflex" – that charming Olympic sport where two strangers bump into each other and then spend the next five minutes locked in a duel of “No, I insist, it was my fault!” until someone either dies of politeness or misses their train.

So, what about Japan, I hear you ask?

Well, here it’s a bit different. If you collide with someone on the street, you’ll usually get a quick 「すみません」(sumimasen) or 「ごめんなさい」(gomen nasai), maybe with a tiny bow that could be mistaken for a neck cramp. And that’s it. No twenty-round apology marathons. Just one clean shot. Bang. Done. Efficient.

In fact, in really crowded places – and believe me, Tokyo has many of those – people often skip the words altogether and just give a bow so small you’d need a microscope to measure the angle. It keeps the human traffic flowing and spares everyone the joy of mutual grovelling.

Which is a real shame – because the Japanese language offers an astonishing buffet of apologies to choose from, spanning an almost surreal range of politeness levels. You could go from a casual “My bad” to a full-scale Shakespearean tragedy of regret, complete with verbal self-punishment worthy of a kabuki finale.

Here's a little tasting menu:

Casual Apologies (aka “Oops, my elbow touched your shopping bag”)

• ごめん (Gomen) Sorry. (casual, used with friends or family)

• ごめんね (Gomen ne) Sorry. (casual, softer).

• ごめんなさい (Gomen nasai) I'm sorry. (more polite, also applicable to strangers)

• 悪い (Warui) My bad.

• すまん (Suman) Sorry. (but very macho; only used by males)

• 悪かったね (Warukatta ne) My bad, huh? (casual, friendly)

• ちょっと悪かった (Chotto warukatta) I was a bit wrong.

Polite Apologies (aka “I cut in front of you at Starbucks, please don’t curse my ancestors”)

• すみません (Sumimasen) Sorry / Excuse me.

• 申し訳ありません (Moushiwake arimasen) I have no excuse. (very polite and formal)

• 申し訳ございません (Moushiwake gozaimasen) I am terribly sorry. (extremely formal)

Super Formal (aka “I accidentally unplugged your life-support machine”)

• お許しください (O-yurushi kudasai) Please forgive me.

• どうかご容赦ください (Douka go-yousha kudasai) Please kindly excuse me.

• 失礼いたしました (Shitsurei itashimashita) Excuse my rudeness. (humble apology, often in business)

• 大変申し訳ございませんでした (Taihen moushiwake gozaimasen deshita) I am deeply sorry.

• 心よりお詫び申し上げます (Kokoro yori owabi moushiagemasu) I sincerely apologise, with my soul on the floor.

• ご迷惑をおかけして申し訳ありません (Gomeiwaku o okake shite moushiwake arimasen) I most sincerely apologise for the inconvenience caused to you.

  
  

Business Apocalypse Level (aka “I just personally sank the Japanese economy”

• この度はご不便をおかけし、誠に申し訳ございませんでした (Kono tabi wa gofuben o okake shi, makoto ni moushiwake gozaimasen deshita) I sincerely apologise for the inconvenience caused this time.

• 私の不注意でご迷惑をおかけし、深くお詫び申し上げます (Watashi no fuchuui de gomeiwaku o okake shi, fukaku owabi moushiagemasu) Due to my carelessness, I deeply apologise for the trouble caused.

• 至らぬ点が多々あり、大変申し訳ございませんでした (Itaranu ten ga tata ari, taihen moshiwake gozaimasen deshita) There were many shortcomings, and there was no excuse for them.

And if you really want to go all out, you can try something like this:

大変、誠に申し訳ございませんでした！この度は私の超絶不注意と、無限に至らぬ点が山ほどあり、ご迷惑の嵐を巻き起こしてしまい、心の底から土下座してお詫び申し上げます。次回こそは宇宙規模でミスゼロを目指しますが、もしもまた奇跡的にやらかしてしまった場合は、どうか地球滅亡レベルの怒りはお控えいただき、笑顔で許していただければこれ以上の幸せはございません！反省はしますが、泣き笑いしながら、また頑張りますのでどうぞよろしくお願い申し上げます！！

Taihen, makoto ni moushiwake gozaimasen deshita! Kono tabi wa watashi no chouzetsu fuchuui to, mugen ni itaranu ten ga yamahodo ari, gomeiwaku no arashi o makiokoshite shimai, kokoro no soko kara dogeza shite owabi moushiagemasu. Jikai koso wa uchuu-kibo de misu zero o mezashimasu ga, moshimo mata kiseki-teki ni yarakashite shimatta baai wa, douka chikyuu metsubou reberu no okori wa o-hikae itadaki, egao de yurushite itadakereba kore ijou no shiawase wa gozaimasen! Hansei wa shimasu ga, nakiwarai shinagara, mata ganbarimasu node douzo yoroshiku onegai moushiagemasu!!

Literal English: I am terribly, truly sorry! This time, due to my super extreme carelessness and an infinite mountain of shortcomings, I caused a storm of trouble, and I apologise from the bottom of my heart, bowing in full prostration. Next time, I will aim for zero mistakes on a cosmic scale, but if by some miracle I mess up again, please refrain from Earth-destroying levels of anger and kindly forgive me with a smile – that would be the greatest happiness! I will reflect, but crying and laughing at the same time, I will do my best again, so I humbly ask for your continued support!!

So next time you accidentally step on someone’s foot in Tokyo? You’ve got options. You can go with:

• A quick nod.

• A neat "Gomenasai".

• Or a three-page essay promising to achieve zero mistakes on a cosmic scale.

Up to you. But I’d recommend starting small.