POMERANIANS REIGNING SUPREME

Japan is shrinking. Well, not geographically, but demographically. It turns out, people just aren't making enough more people.

Over the past thirty years, Japan's birthrate has dropped from 1.50 to 1.26. In the same time period, the percentage of over 65s has risen from 12% to 29%, now making up almost one third of the entire population.

Japan may have one of the longest life expectancies, but the nation's population has been in decline for 15 years straight. Last year, for every baby born, more than two people died - a trend that, if continued, will see Japan shrink to half its current size by the end of the century!

Who needs dystopian fiction when real life is doing the job for free?

And this population crisis touches everything - the economy, education, housing, even national defence. Japan’s military only managed to recruit half the personnel it needed last year, which isn't exactly reassuring in today's geopolitical environment. Even the ever-efficient bureaucrats are struggling to keep up with their mountain of paperwork. When even the red tape starts running thin, you know it's serious.

One reason for Japan’s declining birthrate is women's success in the workforce. More Japanese women have jobs than their American counterparts. But Japan’s notoriously punishing work culture and male-dominated society have made balancing a career and family a formidable task. Work-life balance? More like work-life battle.

In response, businesses are catering to Japan’s growing singles market. There are ramen shops designed for solo diners, karaoke booths for one, and bars strictly for loners - because why endure awkward small talk when you can belt out "Bohemian Rhapsody" alone with zero judgment?

And it doesn’t stop there. If you're feeling romantic, why bother with traditional marriage? Why not just wed your favourite anime character instead - after all, Pikachu never forgets to take out the trash and doesn't complain about your snoring. Even solo weddings are trending! You get all the glitz of being a bride - dress, bouquet, and photos - without the pesky inconvenience of an actual groom. Modern romance, anyone?

Speaking of romance (or the lack thereof), Japan's millennial singles (ages 18-34) are setting records in NOT having relationships. Nearly half report they've never had "adult relations", compared that to about 20% in the U.S. Cupid has officially ghosted Tokyo. To fix this, the Tokyo government rolled out an AI-powered dating app - because what's more romantic than letting an algorithm decide your destiny?

And to tackle work-life imbalance, Tokyo also introduced a four-day workweek for government employees, hoping that a little extra free time might prompt the busy bees to, well, create a few more baby bees.

Meanwhile, in shrinking towns like Ichinono, west of Kyoto, residents have found an innovative way to replace their dwindling population - puppets. Yes, puppets. Almost-human dolls now sit in chairs, "work" in shops, and "live" in homes, creating the illusion of a bustling community. Sure, they don't pay taxes or take the train, but at least they don't complain about the weather.

While human babies are in short supply, Japan’s pet population is thriving! There are officially more cats and dogs (15.8 million) than children under the age of 15 (only 14 million). Let's face it - pets don't require college tuition or throw tantrums in supermarkets. They give much and demand little, grateful for the smallest kindness, as children may not be.

Society and businesses adapt to this shift.

There is an entire new industry built around ways to keep pets happy, and the pets know it and, seemingly enjoy their royalty status.

Taking your dog for a walk is so "yesterday". Why should they have to walk on their own four paws if they can enjoy a ride in a stroller? So you can see Chihuahuas, Toy Poodles and Pomeranians galore, being taken for a ride by their proud owners.

This is so commonplace these days that I've actually come to EXPECT to find a furry pet inside a stroller, rather than a toddler.

The other day, we had booked a table for Saturday night dinner at one of our favourite restaurants, which sports a terrace - something quite hard to find in Japan.

When we arrived, looking forward to a nice dinner and a couple of glasses of wine in the nice spring air, we were taken aback when the waitress wanted to guide us to two counter seats.

'But we specifically booked a terrace table,' my wife protested, unimpressed by the outlook of spending our Saturday dinner sitting side by side on bar stools.

The waitress regretfully informed us that, although our table was reserved, the terrace was actually "prioritized" for customers with pets. As in, dogs outranked us.

Outmaneuvered by a Yorkshire Terrier, we left, fuming.

And so here we are - Japan's strange new reality, where puppets replace citizens, pets ride in style, and people dine solo while AI works to match lonely hearts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to book a dinner reservation and adopt a Chihuahua. Seems to be the only way to guarantee a decent seat these days.