NINJA ASSASSINS ON WHEELS

The other day I had dinner with a Swiss friend, who was visiting Japan for the very first time.

We settled down for a pre-dinner drink, and he started telling me about his day in Akihabara, Tokyo’s buzzing shopping hub packed with electronics stores, and a magnet for overseas visitors. The place is like Disneyland for tech geeks - you can find anything from a simple camera to a robot that will do your laundry, and maybe even your taxes.

My friend, however, was on a noble quest for a SIM card that would enable him to use his smartphone while in Japan. The real challenge, though, was not finding the item, but navigating the language barrier. When he asked the shop staff whether they spoke English, they gave him a resounding “No”, which left him more puzzled than a sumo wrestler trying to squeeze into skinny jeans. After all, this is ‘Electric Town’, the epicentre of tech, swarming with foreign visitors!

After 28 years (and counting...) of living in this foreign land, I've become so accustomed to its quirks and customs that I now navigate daily life (almost!) like a native, not even batting an eyelid at things that would make a newbie's eyes pop out!

So I asked my friend about his first impressions. Not an easy question, considering he had only just arrived two days earlier and was still jet-lagged enough to think that vending machines selling pizza, ties or soup stock were just a hallucination.

Turns out, he came well-prepared. He had binge-watched YouTube and TikTok videos, virtually immersing himself in Japanese culture. Forget guidebooks – those ancient paper scrolls I had used back in the day when visiting the country for my very first time.

Everything was just as he had expected: The orderly streets, the polite bows, the zen gardens, and the well-mannered folks adept at following the rules at all times.

With one exception!

Out of nowhere they had appeared: the rogue cyclists. Not your average pedal-pushers, mind you. These are speed demons, weaving through traffic like caffeinated ninja assassins on wheels. They scoff at red lights, laugh at pedestrian crossings and dare fate to catch them. Their motto? "Rules are for mortals; we ride with the wind."

A cyclist zooming down the wrong side of the road, dodging taxis like seasoned samurai? That's just another Tuesday for them. Red lights? Merely a polite suggestion. And pavements? Those are their personal speedways!

My Swiss visitor was flabbergasted. “Where’s the harmony and respect? Why are they breaking all the sacred rules?”

I just chuckled. “Ah, my dear friend, you see, these cyclists are rebels of the asphalt. They live by ‘wabi-sabi’ – the art of embracing imperfection. And nothing screams ‘imperfect’ like dodging a sushi chef while balancing a bento box on their handlebars. Or better yet, with a toddler in front and another one hanging on for dear life at the back!”

Last year, the Japanese government decided they'd had enough of rogue cyclists clogging up hospital emergency rooms. So, they unveiled their masterstroke: Mandatory helmets!

Now, you'd think that instead they'd crack down on the pedal-powered daredevils, right? Wrong. Enforcing traffic rules by issuing hefty fines would require resources that are in short supply in a country with a rapidly aging population.

So instead, the magic solution was to make it mandatory to wear helmets.

But behold: ‘Mandatory’ is a loose term, because the law literally says "you’re required to make an effort to wear a helmet". Translation: "Wear it if you feel like it, or if it complements your outfit."

And thus, nothing has changed, as inevitably nobody seems inclined to wear a helmet (except perhaps Uber Eats delivery people). Cyclists continue to pedal freely, their hair flowing in the wind, while the rest of us - mere mortals - wonder if we should invest in better life insurance coverage.

I'm certain that my Swiss friend will come across other surprises as he explores Japan in the coming days and weeks. By the time he gets back home, he might just wonder if he dreamt the whole wild adventure!